Here I list the qualities that I have surmised volunteer coordinators are most wary of when considering volunteer applicants:
- Employed full-time: You work 40-60 million hours a week. They will think you are a workaholic who eventually wants to quit your well-paying corporate job to run their ESL program at the public library.
- College degree: You have completed college, congrats. But in the eyes of the volunteer coordinator you are more malleable if you are a high school student. Why? Because if you are in high school, you NEED them. How? Only the volunteer coordinator can verify your having sacrificed your time on their organization's behalf so you can put it on your college application and eventually get your college degree and never be considered for a volunteer opportunity ever again post-college.
- Advanced college degree: You have a Masters or PhD. You may as well have herpes. To the bottom of the volunteer barrel you go.
- Healthy social life: You have a healthy social life and spend time going out with friends in your community. Wouldn't your rather spend your Saturday at brunch with them over teaching a citizenship class to Somali immigrants? Very suspicious that you would choose the US Constitution over mimosas. Very.
- Disposable income: You make decent money, so why aren't you out spending it in your free time; why do you want to use your free time in a soup kitchen instead of at Costco buying luxury items like wine or a trampoline?
- Volunteer experience: If your volunteer experience is not in their niche field, meaning, previously you tutored disenfranchised youth with cleft palates but now you want to walk shelter dogs, your application will be dismissed. This is a trick question that you should always answer with a lie. After all, you have likely seen others walk dogs--the learning curve will not be too drastic for you, especially if you have (see above) a college degree.
- You are white: Checking the Caucasian box on your application indicates that you feel guilty for being born white and therefore are only a struggling writer who wants to seemingly help others while really only gathering experience for the eventual memoir you will write about working in a group home for the children of illegal Mexican immigrants who have been left behind when their parents were deported. You will probably even title your book, "The Ones Left Behind," and then quit volunteering once it makes the New York Times bestseller list.
I recently applied for an after-school volunteer position tutoring grade-school children. Upon reviewing my application, the coordinator wrote back to tell me that while they couldn't use me in the capacity in which I volunteered, they were looking for someone who could "tie balloon animals and teach clogging." Since I am not a Celtic clown, I declined this opportunity. But you know what, it was good to get a bite.
